Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
