i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We named our party play list daddy issues
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
