I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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