Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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