I've blown a few things in my day
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
