life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
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Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.