just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
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Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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