I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
