I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
