just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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