Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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