I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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