Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
