bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
