I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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