my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
