My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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