Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
