while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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