Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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