Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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