dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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