Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
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Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
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Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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