she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
