420 ftw
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
