Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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