I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
