Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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