hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
