i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
