bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
