onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
