his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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