i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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