Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
