So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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