this boner is exhausting
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
