so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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