Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
