awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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