Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
