I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the day after is always just damage control
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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