she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
