She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
tell me about the fingering
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
