How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
