There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
