I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
