I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
