Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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