Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
