your parents love me but you hate me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
