i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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