If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
