The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
